El Pupitre
by John Lin
| Act I
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Introduction: Black and white. The camera follows Vlad from behind. Serious instrumental music plays in the background. As Vlad approaches the gang of six masked goons from behind in a covert manner, the speed changes. Suddenly, a gang member turns around (zoom in on the gang member), and it alerts the other gang members to turn around as well. When it returns to a wide shot, Vlad is no longer there. Vlad has vanished into thin air. The serious music ends. Vlad : (omnipresent voice) Super... matzo ball! The scene fades into color and "Kung Fu Fighting" begins playing. A gang member is hit side-ways with the ball and Vlad appears on the opposite side of the screen. He proceeds to slowly fight everyone. After everyone is down on the ground, the camera zooms in on Vlad, who has an intense, furious look on his face, as it slowly fades back to black and white. Karate Kid flute plays. Fade to black. Opening Credits: To be displayed on table via markered paper. Marker lies next to paper. Act 1: Black and White. Silent. Vlad rises from his bed and sits. Narration (from Vlad): To the average person, the life of ninja may seem to be a life of spectacular events, a life of excitement, a life... of glory. Vlad moves to the bathroom. Washes his face. Narration: I, however, know the truth. To color, sound of TV in background, Vlad walks out of the bathroom. Vlad : Yo, Faheed, wanna' get some breakfast? Cut to video of outside, with cars, and buildings. Cut to a table of a different room. Vlad and Faheed come and sit at the table. Waiter: I'll be back with your menus in a second. Vlad and Faheed : Thanks. Faheed : So, as I was saying, this crazy bitch randomly comes up to me on the street and slaps me. Cut to black and white scene of Faheed's head turned like after being slapped. Cut back to Vlad. Vlad: What'd you do? Faheed : I gave the bitch a right cross to her mouth. And started kicking her. Cut to scene of Faheed's arm extended like after a punch, then kicking. Vlad laughs. Vlad : Was there anyone else around in the street? Faheed : Yeah. A few. Vlad : Did they call the cops or try to stop you or something? Faheed : Man, there's not a single person there that had the balls to do shit. It was like a town of pussies. Vlad : Speaking of pussies, titties! Faheed turns around. Cut to shot of beautiful woman walking sexy like. Faheed : Who is that? Vlad : I don't know, but she's coming this way. Vlad and Faheed scoot their chairs closer to the edge of the table. A blur passes by and both Vlad and Faheed motion so as to cop a feel. (but not really) Waiter approaches with menus and lays them on table. Menus have script on it. Waiter : I'll let you look at those for a while, and I'll be back in a few minutes. Vlad : Okay, so no one comes and helps this bitch up, and you're kicking her on the ground. Faheed ignores Vlad, staring out past Vlad. Cut to shot of Vlad turning head. Cut to same shot of Woman walking. Vlad kicks Faheed under table. Faheed suddenly snaps to attention. Faheed : hmm, What? Vlad : Pay attention while I talk, bitch, now continue with the story. Faheed : Okay, so where was I? Kicking the bitch on the ground, right? Vlad : Right. Faheed : Alright, so she's all beaten up, and pick her up by her hair and ask, (Cut to black and white of Faheed saying: ) who the fuck do you think you are? Smacking in the middle of the street? I oughta' kill your fuckin' ass. Vlad : Who was she? Faheed : Your mother. (Faheed breaks out into a loud laugh, closing his eyes momentarily. Cut to close up of Vlad looking angry, Cut to shot of Vlad jabbing Faheed in the ribs while standing next to him, and Faheed still laughing, Cut back to Vlad sitting opposite of Faheed. Play Karate Kid Flute. Faheed : Ah... mother bitch (grasping side) Something in my side just popped. Vlad : You'll be alright. Waiter : You guys ready to order? Vlad : I'll have some scrambled eggs, bacon, and some flap jacks. Waiter : Okay. Uh... so what do you want sir? Faheed keels over in pain. Vlad : He'll have a muffin and some coffee. Waiter walks off. Faheed continues to squirm in pain on floor. Vlad : So you were saying something about my mother? Faheed : Nah, I made it up. Vlad : Thought so. Faheed : Ahh, I gotta' go piss. Be right back. Faheed leaves the table and goes to a door labeled "Rest Room". He enters and cut back to Vlad. A fly flies around Vlad. Vlad takes out a pair of chop sticks and attempts to grab the fly from the air, he fails miserably. Vlad becomes very angry and punches the air. The fly falls. Vlad : *sniff* Mother Russia with prevail. *looks around* Damn, how long's Faheed gonna' take. The waiter comes to the table with food. Waiter : Here's your food. And the man over there left you this note. *points* Cut to shot of empty seat. Vlad : What guy? Waiter : Hmm, I guess he left. Vlad opens up the paper. Cut to over the shoulder shot of Vlad looking at the paper. The paper is not in focus. Cut back to wide shot. Vlad looks up in surprise and rushes out of his seat in a hurry. Stick with shot of table. Vlad comes back and grabs some food. Fade out. End Scene. Scene1: Black and White shot of Vlad on toilet, reading. (Not really pants off) Narration : A ninja must adhere to certain rules. It is a code you must follow to be accepted in the order. The first and foremost rule in this code is as follows, "To be a true warrior of the shadow, one must always be cloaked. This rule applies to every sense of the word." Fade to color. Vlad gets up, midway through, camera cuts to shot of outside door. Vlad comes out. Someone knocks on Vlad's door. Vlad looks suspicious and pulls out a sheathed kitana blade from his back, as if it came from no where. He looks through the peep hole. Cut to shot of Faheed outside. Vlad quickly slings his bad behind him, it disappears. Vlad : What the hell are you doing here man? Faheed pulls out a gun at Vlad. Vlad : What is that, some kinda' toy? Vlad grabs the front of the gun and turns it to see its side. Faheed : How the hell did you know? Vlad : I know my guns. Faheed : Maaaaan, dude at the shop said that this was a perfect replica. Vlad : It's decent. But I really know my guns. Faheed : So are you ready? Vlad : Actually, I think I'm going to run. Faheed : (Hold in laugh) Riiiiiight, okay, I'll meet you there then? (Looks down at a paper of directions) Karate
Kid Flute plays, and Vlad is no longer in front of Faheed. Faheed turns
around. Vlad is running up his drive way. Faheed : Righhhht... Cut to various shots of Vlad running, finally stopping in front of a house, Vlad puts a cloak on his face (ridiculously obvious that it's Vlad). Faheed pulls up on the street and looks shocked that Vlad arrived before him. Vlad knocks on the door of the house. Don Duche opens the door. Vlad steps into a dimly lighted house. Vlad is huffing and puffing. Don Duche : Welcome to my humble abode my friend. Please, take a (Vlad has already sat) seat. Vlad : Thanks. Do you have anything to drink? Don Duche : Uh, sure. Duche grabs a bottle of liquid, pours it into a cup and hands it to Vlad. Vlad takes a sip and spits it out. Vlad : Bleh... what is this? Water? (spits on Duche's outfit) Don Duche : Yes. A rather expensive bottle of water. And a rather expensive suit for that matter. (wipes himself) Anyhow, let us get down to business. (Snaps his finger) Gun pointed at Vlad's head, from someone on the side, it's dark, so his face can't be seen. Vlad remains calm. Don Duche : It seems that you have recently interfered in my operations. Six of my... associates report being attacked by a ninja. Being as you're the only ninja in this area, we are led to believe that it is... you. Vlad slings his blade to Duche's neck and takes a drink of water. Duche looks nervously. Don Duche : (Nervous and quickly, points at gunman) He'll shoot you. Vlad : Will he now? Faheed comes in the door and points his gun at the gunman. Faheed : Is that Will?! Don Duche : Okay, okay, put your gun down Will. Hear me out. I'm willing to excuse your interference in my previous operations if you do a job for me. Vlad : What kind of... job? Don Duche : A big job, a job that I'm willing to pay one and a half a million for. Vlad : What're you talking about? Vlad lowers the blade, sheaths it and makes it vanish behind his back. Vlad grabs the bottle and starts chugging it. Duche looks in surprise. Faheed lowers his gun. In the background Faheed says "I recognize that bu..." Vlad : Quiet Faheed. Don Duche : (Regaining composure) I need you to put a hit on this man. Vlad : (After slight pause) I will do it for two million. Don Duche : For a simple hit? Vlad : This is the fucking head of the Russian mob, el toro loco, the crazy bull. Now, I will only do it for four million. Don Duche : Uh...(nervously thinking) Vlad : Now the price is five million. Don Duche : Fine, fine, five million it is. (Duche turns around and starts back) I'll give you two million now... Vlad and Faheed have already disappeared. Karate kid flute plays. Knock on the door. Duche opens the door, and Vlad is on the other side of the door, Don Duche : (looks left and right) Riiiiiight... (Duche hands a briefcase to Vlad) End Scene Black and white, silent. Shot of a breakfast table. Vlad lays a doughnut box on the table. Zoom out. Narration : The second rule in the code of the shadow warrior states that a ninja must maintain top physical shape... Vlad stuffs a jelly doughnut in his mouth. Jelly drips out. Continue shooting him chewing. Narration : Over the years, that rule has been interpreted as good enough shape to be functional. Cut to shot of Vlad exercising (black and white). Move arms slightly, rotate a little, and Vlad tires out. Proceeds to drink from a two liter bottle of soda, no cup. Suddenly there is a knock on Vlad's door. Fade to color. Vlad answers the door. Faheed stands behind door wielding a star wars gun. Vlad : Whoa, nice. Faheed : Yeah, isn't it? Vlad : Where'd you get it from? Faheed : I had someone make it special for me. Check it out, I'm setting it to stun. Faheed pretends to flip a switch on the gun and aims it at a jogger across the street. He fires, and the jogger has a slight seizure, causing him to pass out. He gets up and shakes it off. Vlad and Faheed laugh. Vlad : (Still laughing) That was great. Who made it? (Pointing to the gun) Faheed : (Thinking) Your mother. (breaking out into a laugh) Cut to shot of Vlad looking angry. Cut to shot of Vlad behind Faheed, punching him in the small of his back. Cut back to shot of Vlad. Karate Kid flute plays. Cut to shot of Faheed still laughing. Faheed : (still laughing, suddenly he grabs his back) Ah... my back. Vlad : (pretending to be concerned) Are you okay man? Faheed begins walking a circle. Faheed : I think I can walk it off. (coughing) Vlad : Seriously, who made it? Faheed : This gun shop guy. Vlad : Oh. Come in, have a seat. Faheed sits. Vlad stuffs another doughnut in his mouth. Faheed : Goddamn, are you sure you wanna be eating like that before you hit el lobo? Vlad shrugs and continues eating. Faheed reaches for a doughnut and Vlad pulls it away, looking at him like "Are you crazy?". Faheed : Come on, let me have one. Vlad : (High pitched, mouth full) No (shaking head). Faheed : Okay, whatever. Faheed makes a quick motion for the box. Cut to shot of Faheed reaching at air, and Vlad standing at the opposite end of the room, eating. Vlad : Don't mess with a ninja. Faheed : All right, let's go then. Cut to shot of outside, going into car. Cut to shot of inside car. Vlad and Faheed enter. Play various songs, with Vlad and Faheed singing with them. Faheed : So, this Doosh guy, what the hell did you do to him? Vlad : It's Duche, and I think I beat up his goons on the way to something. Faheed : Something illegal? Vlad : (Sarcastic) No, six guys dressed up in ski masks creeping around. They're not doing anything illegal. Faheed : So why did you beat them up? Vlad : (after thinking) I... don't know (shrug) Flicker quick, indefinable shots. Cut to shot of car pulling into a space. Faheed : Okay... we're here. Fade out to black. Long wait in black. Stay black for about 10-15 seconds. There are sounds however. Punching sounds, yelling, shocking, etc. End Scene. Scene 1: Vlad wakes up tied up in a chair. Beaten and bloody. Narration : Okay... where am I? *coughs* Beat up, bleeding, and tied. Hmm... Door Opens. El Bandito enters. Narration : *gasp* El Bandito Amarillo. Vlad : (Angrily) EL BANDITO! El Bandito : So we meet again. Vlad : You'll pay for what you did to me! El Bandito : Aha ha ha. Fun times. Wild times. Anyway, we get down to business now. Who you are working for? Vlad : I'm going to kill you. El Bandito : Ha ha, how you plan to do that little man? Vlad : By hitting you with this chair here, and strangling you. El Bandito : Riiiiight. How you gonna' do that with your hands behind your back? Vlad : I've untied them. Vlad shows El Bandito his hands. He picks up a chair and swings it at El Bandito, El Bandito ducks and a fight begins. The fight ends up with El Bandito landing a massive kick on Vlad, and people run in with bats and clubs. They beat on Vlad. El Bandito : He's not responding to the treatment. Move him on to electricity. And shoot that black guy he came with. A goon radios in an order. Fade to black. Two gun shots ring. End Scene. Scene 1: Black and white. Vlad is stretching, in jogging suit. Headphones and walkman on. Rye of the Kaiser plays. Narration : I woke up a day later, with no memory past getting beat on. Cut to shot of people clubbing Vlad. Narration : Why they let me go, I don't know. I woke up with an odd feeling. The same feeling that I felt on my previous meeting with El Bandito. It took me three years to recover from that encounter. I feel worse now. But no matter how long it takes, I will avenge Faheed's death, and stop this game El Bandito is playing with me. Shots of Vlad jogging. Close ups of his face. Fade to color. Cut to wide shot of behind Vlad. Faheeds car passes by, and one of Faheed's windows is drenched in blood. Vlad's head follows. Silent. Vlad mouths "Oh shit!" and runs into a pole. Faheed stops suddenly and runs out of the car. Still silent. Vlad is in fright. Fade to sound of Faheed yelling. Faheed : VLAD! VLAD! You made it. Those cock suckers fucked up. Let's get their fucking asses! Vlad : But, they shot you! Faheed : I'm here, aint I? Vlad backs away. Vlad : No, no, it's that fucking Bandito, he's fucking with my head again. Faheed : Yo?! Vlad runs to his house, closes the door and covers his head. Cut to shot of Faheed, looking confused. Then he starts thinking. Suddenly he realizes something. Runs to his car and drives off. Cut to shot of a few minutes later, Faheed pulls up and parks. He gets out with a box of doughnuts. Cut to shot of Vlad inside house. Vlad suddenly pops up, opens the door and runs to Faheed. Faheed has the the box open. Slow motion. Love song plays. When Faheed and Vlad meet, the box disappears from Faheed's hands and Vlad is eating the doughnuts. Back to full speed. Faheed : Vlad man, do you believe that I'm real now? (Putting out hands for a hug) Vlad is still turned around on knees eating doughnuts. Vlad : (turning around with mouth full) Hmm? Oh yeah. You're as real as they come. Vlad picks up the box and walks with Faheed back into the house. Faheed puts his arm over Vlad's shoulder and reaches for a doughnut. Vlad pulls them away. Faheed : Hahaha, some things never change. Vlad : Uh.. what is that red stuff in your hair. Faheed pulls it out. Faheed : I think brain matter. Vlad pulls away. Vlad : Bleh.. dude take a shower. End Scene. Driving in car. Narration : My skills have deteriorated. Not only physically, as my muscles have somehow atrophied, but mentally, everything is confusing, all jumbled up. I must bring peace to my mind. The only way to bring peace is to have a little violence. Vlad : Okay, so explain this to me again. What happened after we left the car? Faheed : They jumped us. You got hit by a caddle prod. Cut to shot of Vlad being hit with caddle prod. Cut to shot of Vlad looking shocked. Cut to shot of El Bandito shocking Vlad with cattle prod. Faheed : And they... pistol whipped me. Cut to shot of Faheed getting pistol whipped. Cut back to car. Vlad : And then? Faheed : Then, I woke up, and I was chained down in a chair in an empty room. Cut to shot of Faheed chained down. Vlad : What about me? Faheed : You were outside of the room. From what I was hearing, they were beating on you. Cut to shot of Faheed looking at the door. Sounds of fighting. Cut to Vlad in the car. Vlad : (Thinking painfully) I can barely remember what happened. Cut to shot of Vlad getting clubbed. Vlad : Those goons, they work for el toro loco. Cut back to car. Faheed : After they finished beating on you. I think they shocked you or something. This guy they called El Bandito Amarillo... he was mind fucking you man. Cut to shots of wires being attached to Vlad while in a chair. Indefinite shots of the person shocking him. Cut to shots of Vlad in car, shaking. Faheed : Dude, are you okay? Vlad : Yeah, I'll be okay. But, I do recall them shooting you. What happened to you? Faheed : Oh... well... Cut to shots of Faheed getting punched in a chair, and they're pouring salt on the wound. One goon takes a gun out and fires two shots in the air. Faheed looks scared, and suddenly, the sound of water spraying on fabric. Faheed looks down and says "Oh god..." Faheed : They ain't do shit, cause they were scared. Vlad : Riiiiiiiight... Faheed : Oh shit, we're here. Vlad : Okay, wait, one thing, just to prove that you really exist. How did you escape? Faheed : (sigh), They were driving me out to the docks to make me "sleep with the fishes". And they didn't take away my special gun. They thought it was a toy or something... Vlad : What would make them think that? Cut to shot of Faheed in car. Faheed : I don't know, they're idiots. Anyway, I busted the rope, using that technique you showed me... and I shot em all with the gun, except for the driver. I told him to keep driving. He drove to a secluded place, and I mopped him. Vlad : Okay, that sounds convincing. I'm gonna go bust some ninja on this guy guarding the place now. Faheed : Why are we here again? Vlad : I thought maybe Duche could shed some light on how the Russians knew we were coming. And maybe kick Duche's ass for setting me up. Faheed : Go for it. Looks like two guards. Vlad exits and slowly walks to the guards. Faheed : Oh my shit, he's walking to them... Vlad approaches, one guy yells at him, both guys whip out clubs, Vlad tries fighting them, but they end up whacking him with the clubs and Vlad runs. Faheed : Oh shit! Oh Fuck! Dude!!!!! Faheed gets out, whips out his gun and shoots the two. He runs out to Vlad to try to help him. Faheed : Dude, what was that? Vlad : Ah, mother bitch. Help me up. Faheed : (Looking left and right) Uhhhhhhh, I'll try. Faheed struggles to drag Vlad to the car. He drops him, goes back to the car, comes back with a bottle of water, and continues dragging Vlad. After the laborious job of dragging, both Vlad and Faheed are in the car. Faheed : Ah man, they really fucked you up didn't they. We gotta' get you back to form son. End Scene. Rocky Music Plays. Narration : This goes out to all you mother fucking crime bosses out there. Do not fuck with a ninja and let him get away. A ninja will come back at you and slit your fucking throat. Or something to that degree. Faheed, in his car, shows Vlad a box of doughnuts through his window, quickly pulls and box back into his car, and drives away. Vlad chases. Cut to shot of other place. Faheed pulls up in the place and stops in that place, and stops. Vlad follows from behind. Faheed : You suck! Goddamnit, that's the worse time I've ever seen. No doughnuts for you! Faheed throws the box on the ground and stomps on it. (Empty box) Vlad knocks Faheed out with a haymaker. He opens the box to see that it's empty. Vlad : Oops. Cut to shot of Vlad hitting a punching bag, and Faheed yelling at him. Faheed has black eye. Cut to shot of Faheed and Vlad from behind a couch. Move camera up to see Vlad and Faheed watching the television. Faheed has a laser pointer. Karate Kid is playing. Vlad is taking notes. Cut to shots of Vlad practicing vanishing, with Faheed timing. Cut to shot of Vlad playing Tenchu on playstation. Faheed is yelling at Vlad. Finally, Faheed says "THATS THE WAY TO DO IT!" Cut to shot of Faheed and Vlad watching Enter the Dragon. Faheed uses his laser pointer, and Vlad takes notes. Finally, cut to shot of Faheed showing Vlad the box of doughnuts from his car, and driving off. Cut back to the other place, and have Vlad already on screen, Faheed pulls up, comes out with the box of doughnuts, lays his hand on Vlad's shoulder and says, "You're ready." End Scene. Vlad sneaks around Duche's house, showing no signs of being a ninja. Faheed says over radio : "Two guards, front door, assume that they're armed." Faheed approaches the two guards. Faheed : Excuse me fella's, do you have light? Guard 1 : Beat it. Guard 2 : Get the hell outa' here. Faheed : Okay... (close up on Faheed) Cut to shot of Vlad behind the two guards weilding blade. Cut to shot of blood splattering on Faheed's face. Cut to shot of two guards on ground. Vlad signals that he's going up. Vlad makes like he's jumping. Cut to shot of Vlad landing in a room next to a window. Faheed (on radio to Vlad) : I'll guard the perimeter and keep watch, you do your thing. Sound of Duche laughing in another room. Vlad looks in the direction of laugh. He opens the door of the room he is currently in, and walks out. Close up on Vlad's face, he looks left and right. Suddenly two men with guns come from a corner and fire at Vlad. Vlad dodges the bullets. When their clips empty, Vlad fights and stabs them. Vlad ( speaking into a fake radio transmitter) : They know we're here. Vlad continues toward the sound of laughter, he opens the door quietly and sees a chair turned towards a televion. Vlad sneaks up behind the chair and grabs the figure in the chair. It's a mannequin. Vlad looks down and sees a tape recorder, from which the sounds are coming. Tape Recorder : Vlad, I heard what happened, I had nothing to do with it. El Bandito Amarillo is an agent of the Russians. They somehow knew you were coming for el toro loco and sent him to mess with you, as he is probably the only guy who could. I'm sorry. Suddenly Duche comes from behind Vlad and shoots. Vlad falls. Duche : Got him. Vlad : (Getting up) Did you now? I think I am the one who has "got" you. There are two needles in Duche's legs. Suddenly Duche falls limp. Duche : What did you do to me? Vlad : Tranquilizer, you're coming with us. Vlad walks out of the room with Duche in a trash bag. He throws the bag out the window and Faheed catches it from below. Vlad then jumps out the window and lands on his feet. The three drive in Faheed's car. Vlad sits in the back seat and unbags Duche. Vlad holds his blade to Duche's neck. Vlad : Now, Faheed, don't hit a bumps or anything. I can hold my blade still, but I still might decapitate this mother fucker. Faheed : Just use my gun man. Vlad : I told you man, I don't use guns, they're unfair. Faheed : Here we go again. Vlad : Guns take no skill, you point them, and you shoot them. Any red neck can do it. Faheed : You calling me a red neck man. They roll over a bump. Vlad : Oh my shit. Duche : (With bloody neck) I'm okay. Vlad : Yo, gimme that gun. Vlad takes the gun and sheaths his blade. They roll over a bump again. The gun goes off. Vlad : Man, shit, stop fucking rolling over bumps man. Faheed : Don't yell at me man, ain't my fuckin' fault you can't hold a gun. Duche : (With a bloody arm) I'm okay. Faheed : Man, gimme the gun, gimme the blade. Vlad hands the blade and gun to Faheed, Faheed places them in the front seat. Vlad : Okay, man, if you don't talk, I will punch the shit outa' you. Duche : What do you want to know? Vlad : How the fuck did the Russians know I was coming? Duche : That stuff I said on the tape, I made it up. El Bandito is behind it all. He attacked me and made me talk. Vlad : (Angrily) El Bandito. So does he have any affiliation with the Russians? Duche : Possibly, but I'd doubt they have anything to do with it. It's his own sick auto erotic game or something. Vlad : I see. Faheed : What the hell? Vlad, what did this Bandito guy do to you? Vlad : Don't worry about it. Faheed : Come on, tell me. Vlad : (Angrily) Don't worry about it! Duche : Riiiiiiight... Vlad : Man, shut up. (Vlad punches Duche) Faheed : Where can we find El Bandito? Duche : He'll likely find you. Vlad : Man, shut up. Where can we find him? Duche : Toro's place. Cut to shots of driving. Faheed pulls into the lot where they were beaten up before. Faheed and Vlad exit nervously. Vlad : (to Duche) Don't try anything, I'll finish cutting your throat if you do. Vlad grabs his blade from the front seat and brandishes it at Duche. He tosses the gun to Faheed. The gun goes off and hits Duche in his other arm. Duche : Ahhh, mother bitch. Faheed : Oops. Vlad : Who's the idiot now? Faheed : Did you just call yourself the former idiot? Vlad : Man, shut up, let's go. The two approach the front door. Two men are passed out on the floor. Vodka bottles lie on the floor. Faheed : Ha ha, mbr. Vlad : MBR? Faheed : Must be Russian. Vlad : Heh heh, shut up, mother Russia will prevail. The two walk in, el Toro comes out of the bath room and looks at them. He then looks left and right. Toro : Who the hell are you guys? What the hell are you doing here? How did you get past the guards? Vlad : Where's el bandito amarillo? Toro : What? Vlad : You know who we're talking about. Where is he? Toro : Okay, you see that behind you. That's the door, get outa' here. Vlad and Faheed turn around. Toro attacks them, knocking their weapons out of their hands, and a fight begins. Suddenly Duche appears in the door way and starts firing a gun. Vlad grabs Faheed and dodges bullets with him. The bullets hit Toro. Vlad throws a star knife and hits Duche in the neck, killing him. Faheed : Why the hell was he shooting at us? Vlad : I don't know, maybe because we shot him twice, threw a couple ninja's stars at him, and cut his throat. But maybe he was in a conspiracy. Either way. Faheed : Eh, works for me. Let's go. We'll get Bandito some other day. End Scene. Scene 1: Vlad, black and white in bed, eyes open, thinking. Narration : My master always told me that every ninja has an arch enemy. I have found mine. El Bandito Amarillo has been my enemy since the time I left my master. His motives are unclear. Sound flashback, El Bandito says "Who you are working for?". Narration : Does that mean El Bandito worked with the Russians? Does he have some other reason? I may never know. Cut to shots of Vlad waking up and going to the bathroom, and asking Faheed to go to breakfast (from act I). Cut to new scene in car. Faheed : Okay, so what does this Sun Tzu guy say about seeking an enemy? Vlad : Sun who? Faheed : Sun Tzu... you were talking about him and the art of war. Vlad : Oh, I don't know, that's John's crazy idea. Faheed : Oh. Vlad : But I have read somewhere about our situation. Faheed : Yeah? What's it say? Vlad : I shouldn't be consumed by hate, and revenge. It shouldn't be my drive. Faheed : And you believe in that horse crap? Vlad : Man, I don't know. But seriously, I shouldn't live the rest of my life plotting revenge on El Bandito. I must live on. Faheed : Eh, okay. That sounds convincing. How's the ninja suit coming along? Vlad : My ninja status has already been damaged enough, I mean, you know that I am a ninja, that's enough to take away my ninja license. I figure getting the ninja suit would just anger the ninja authenticity administration enough to take away my license. Faheed : You have a license? Dude let me see. Vlad pulls out a card with a picture of a silhouette. It reads "Not a Ninja." and has question marks next to all description blanks, but has "Ninja Authenticity Administration" on the bottom. Vlad : Yeah, okay, let's talk about something else now, remember, I'm not a ninja. (wink wink) Faheed : Riiiight. Dude, I got slapped by some bitch the other day. Vlad : *sniff* We're close. I can smell food. The two exit the car and enter the diner. Waiter: I'll be back with your menus in a second. Vlad and Faheed : Thanks. Faheed : So, as I was saying, this crazy bitch randomly comes up to me on the street and slaps me. Cut to black and white scene of Faheed's head turned like after being slapped. Cut back to Vlad. Vlad: What'd you do? Faheed : I gave the bitch a right cross to her mouth. And started kicking her. Cut to scene of Faheed's arm extended like after a punch, then kicking. Vlad laughs. Vlad : Was there anyone else around in the street? Faheed : Yeah. A few. Vlad : Did they call the cops or try to stop you or something? Faheed : Man, there's not a single person there that had the balls to do shit. It was like a town of pussies. Vlad : Speaking of pussies, titties! Faheed turns around. Cut to shot of beautiful woman walking sexy like. Faheed : Who is that? Vlad : I don't know, but she's coming this way. Vlad and Faheed scoot their chairs closer to the edge of the table. A blur passes by and both Vlad and Faheed motion so as to cop a feel. (but not really) Waiter approaches with menus and lays them on table. Menus have script on it. Waiter : I'll let you look at those for a while, and I'll be back in a few minutes. Vlad : Okay, so no one comes and helps this bitch up, and you're kicking her on the ground. Faheed ignores Vlad, staring out past Vlad. Cut to shot of Vlad turning head. Cut to same shot of Woman walking. Vlad kicks Faheed under table. Faheed suddenly snaps to attention. Faheed : hmm, What? Vlad : Pay attention while I talk, bitch, now continue with the story. Faheed : Okay, so where was I? Kicking the bitch on the ground, right? Vlad : Right. Faheed : Alright, so she's all beaten up, and pick her up by her hair and ask, (Cut to black and white of Faheed saying: ) who the fuck do you think you are? Smacking in the middle of the street? I oughta' kill your fuckin' ass. Vlad : Who was she? Faheed : Your mother. (Faheed breaks out into a loud laugh, closing his eyes momentarily. Cut to close up of Vlad looking angry, Cut to shot of Vlad jabbing Faheed in the ribs while standing next to him, and Faheed still laughing, Cut back to Vlad sitting opposite of Faheed. Play Karate Kid Flute. Faheed : Ah... mother bitch (grasping side) Something in my side just popped. Vlad : You'll be alright. Waiter : You guys ready to order? Vlad : I'll have some scrambled eggs, bacon, and some flap jacks. Waiter : Okay. Uh... so what do you want sir? Faheed keels over in pain. Vlad : He'll have a muffin and some coffee. Waiter walks off. Faheed continues to squirm in pain on floor. Vlad : So you were saying something about my mother? Faheed : Nah, I made it up. Vlad : Thought so. Faheed : Ahh, I gotta' go piss. Be right back. Faheed leaves the table and goes to a door labeled "Rest Room". Camera follows Faheed. Faheed gets snatched around a corner, and a cloth is placed over his nose and mouth, Faheed goes to sleep. Wide out shot to Faheed being dragged out by El Bandito. El Bandito writes a note and hands it to the waiter. Cut to far away shot of Vlad trying to catch the fly. The waiter comes to the table with food. Waiter : Here's your food. And the man over there left you this note. *points* Cut to shot of empty seat. Vlad : What guy? Waiter : Hmm, I guess he left. Vlad opens up the paper. Cut to over the shoulder shot of Vlad looking at the paper. The paper, this time, is in focus. It reads : "I have Faheed. If you want him back, fight me for him. 3431 Schlong Drive, 3 o'clock. Sincerely El Bandito Amarillo." Cut back to wide shot. Vlad looks up in surprise and rushes out of his seat in a hurry. Stick with shot of table. Vlad comes back and grabs some food. Fade out. Vlad is running, very serious music is playing. Narration : What the hell is this? Why did he take Faheed? Vlad looks at his watch, it reads 2:56 PM. Narration : This is my opportunity to get him. Vlad arrives at the address, he looks at his watch, it reads 2:59 PM. El Bandito is not here. Clock goes on screen. As it hits three o'clock, El Bandito and Faheed suddenly appear. Vlad : This ends now! You will pay for what you've done to me. El Bandito : That's what you think. El Bandito drops Faheed, takes out his weapon, and runs toward Vlad. Vlad unsheath's his sword and runs toward El Bandito. They fight and knock away each other's weapons, it then becomes a show of martial arts. In the end, Vlad makes like he's going to do the Crane kick, flashing back to scenes of Karate Kid. El Bandito looks in disbelief. Suddenly Faheed gets up and hits El Bandito in the back of his head with a slapjack, Vlad makes his sword float to his hand and he runs to El Bandito. He raises his sword, about to kill him. El Bandito : Vlad, you must know something! Vlad : Oh yeah, what? El Bandito : Tu mama es mi pupitre! Vlad : No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cut to shot of Faheed in shock. El Bandito : Si, es la verdad. Vlad has a very disturbed look on his face. He slowly lowers his blade, but El Bandito moves and Vlad stabs El Bandito. Faheed : Come on, let's get outa' here man. Before the cops come. Vlad stays still. Faheed : Vlad? (taps him on the shoulder) Vlad snaps to attention and takes the sword out of El Bandito. The two walk off. Fade to black. Narration : And that explains it all. Faheed : Dude your mother's a desk? |